So, I edited the photos for this post and started writing it Monday, but originally had not finished. I told myself… no big deal if it goes up Wednesday instead of Tuesday. I convinced myself to wait an extra day because I’ve been sick, I need rest, and probably don’t need to get so into workout gear on a Monday. I am not going to tag the original post on here, because honestly I don’t want the clicks through from my site to Telegraph. I don’t want Tanya fucking Gold to get a single click or link from my site.
The title of this post was going to be something along the lines of workout gear for plus size women or workout gear for curvy women. I wanted to showcase some of the brands I wear and find comfortable and celebrate those brands for celebrating my curves and my fat.
Instead, here I am on a Monday night, writing this article and crying. Like actual tears coming down my face writing this blog post. This is easily one of the hardest posts I have had to write, because there is so much emotion behind it. I have written about being fat and plus size before, but never really in response to an article or something that someone else had posted to make us feel bad. This “us” I am referring to is plus-size women, FAT women, curvy women, and the women shaped like the mannequins on display at Nike.
I have spent my entire life… and when I say entire, I truly cannot think of a single week, month, or year where someone did not refer to me as fat. I was the fat friend, the fatass, the “too big” to wear a thong, too big for this store, too fat to date, too big to fit in our brand, too big to join this workout class, and the list continues. When I figure skated as child, I was called fat pretty much every time I went onto the ice. I was constantly told that they didn’t make that outfit or costume in my size, and I remember many younger girls telling me to get off the ice because I would cause it to break.
I am truly beyond goddamn tired of having to consistently sit here and defend myself to anyone.
It took me years, and by years I mean 20 plus of them to begin to even feel comfortable in my own skin. I will say this again, I am writing this crying because it feels like for every step I take forward in my life as a fat girl, someone comes along and pushes me 10 steps back.
It’s hard to fully explain or put into accurate words how it feels to be fat, but this is my most accurate way of describing it. People allude often to me being so confident in my own body and confident in my own skin… and I tell them it is because I have to be. You see, when you are fat and viewed as such by the outside world, you have to be confident because otherwise the world is unkind to you.
When I walk into a room, my confidence has to be ten times that of an average-sized woman or skinny woman. Why?…because those other women won’t have to worry about being called fat solely for their existence in the same space as anyone else. When I enter a room or an unfamiliar place, there is always a looming feeling that someone will bring it up, mention it, or whisper it amongst friends when their confidence is low.
It’s hard to accurately describe unless you have been fat at some point in your life. I wish I could say that adulthood is easier than childhood or vice versa, but they are both equally as rough when we take weight into consideration. I wrote a blog post last year about what it truly feels like to be FAT (you can read it here) and I tell women to own that word and change the narrative around that word.
I find myself eating those words right now (pun intended) because I wonder in this moment if I spoke too soon or too apprehensively. I want women to own that word, but how can I truly change the narrative behind a word, when I find myself crying over an article written around it. If the word still bothers me at times, have I really learned to accept it?
It’s funny because people say things online and we call them out on it, we tell them to take it down or remove it, and we pat ourselves on the back for standing up for the “little guy” (pun intended, again). However, when it comes to fat shaming, it has been such an accepted norm, an accepted form of online abuse, that we don’t address it when we see it happening. We move along, nod our heads, or even comment in agreement.
What is the biggest shame of all of this is that Tanya is a plus-size woman herself. So this post is a big FUCK YOU to Tanya Gold, to anyone that has ever called me fat, and anyone that continues to make any woman feel badly about her size and working out.
And in case you were wondering: I figure skated as a child while being fat, I played soccer fat, started yoga fat, did Zumba fat, did cycling in college fat, and practice yoga each and every single day fat.